"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door."
i wanted to put a win in the Dad column.
i mean, i didn’t want to pick sides at all; i really didn’t want this to be about picking sides. but when that’s what it became, i wanted it to be right for me to pick you. it isn’t of course. my health is playing some vicious games and i don’t have enough baggage to have to drive it cross country. well, i’d like to think i don’t have that baggage. but after this summer… who knows.
i wanted to pick you because you need it. you need a win as a father because i stopped letting you be my father after i realized you didn’t acknowledge my mother’s strength. and she’s right you know, i hated you. i was scared to stay at your house, especially once carter left. how could i be there alone with you? or.. not just you, but you and your sadness. you and your anger. i’m sorry that i couldn’t be strong enough to just stay there but you were unhealthy and i was too young to know how to treat you. i’m still too young. i don’t know if you are any stronger.
but i do know that this hurts. wanting you to be happy, knowing that i hold the power to give you this Father-Daughter experience you dreamed of?? that kills me. i want you to have other sources of happiness. i want you to be spoiled with happiness every day, and i mean that. and wanting that so badly makes it hurt even more knowing that i probably can’t choose you.
i mean, i’m sick too dad. and if this were about just me and my health i might not even be going to Tacoma right now. i might be in hospitals. but i’m not because the ER costs too much so i’m on the slow track out of this discomfort. that is a whole other matter.
and this isn’t about me.
it’s about the fact that i chose mom, whether she wanted it or not. i chose her and then i lost it. i broke down and i got real selfish real fast and by the time i realized how much she had needed me we were past the point of return. she is my caretaker, she is my life-preserver and i am her dead weight.
of course she is confused by my hesitance to reject you. i have been rejecting you my whole life; what makes this huge choice any different from all the little choices? don’t i remember how much she’s done for me?
and that’s where it happens. the sides. on one side i want you to be happy and on the other side mum has spent the past six years sacrificing for my safety and well-being and to turn around and get in a car with you and not see her for months.. how could i do that to her?
but how can i not do this for you. it all hurts. there isn’t a right answer, you know, there just isn’t.
because i genuinely did not have a preference when the options were presented to me.. but then it got messy. and now its so tangled up that i can’t even be excited about something i worked so hard for, something i waited two years for, because i have to pick Parent Sides just to fucking get out there. it’s bullshit. neither of you are the bad guy.. but neither of you are right to do this to me either.
it tears me up, and this should not be the most stressful part about going to college.
|23rd Jul 2014✧08:012,823 notes|
also you know what you should do instead of just writing a woman who fights physically?
write women who are friends with each other. write women who get along with each other. write women who love each other.
write a woman who has a moment of weakness and finds support from another woman. write women who fight for each other. write women who find strength in each other. it’s so important.
hey friend. one day ur gonna be happy. one day ur gonna be sitting w someone u love in ur favourite place in the world and ur gonna think “wow. life is p great” and everything will be okay. but u gotta make it til then okay? just hang in there. u’ll be okay.
"I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts."
good god i wish it were true
|27th Jun 2014✧10:0263,841 notes|
|27th Jun 2014✧09:5220,707 notes|